


Certain Things

by vaberella



Series: Song Fic Series [1]
Category: Cukur
Genre: Comfort, Depression, F/M, Hurt, Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26233921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaberella/pseuds/vaberella
Summary: Karaca Kocovali finds herself mentally in a dark place as she thinks through certain recent events that have had major impacts in love life & personal growth.
Relationships: Karaca Kocovali/Azer Kurtulus
Series: Song Fic Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905442
Kudos: 11





	Certain Things

**Author's Note:**

> Some will read this and think that it’s unlike Karaca. However, I think if you’re willing to stick with this and read to the end, you’ll understand why her monologue has a rather desolate tone to it.

Certain things are unbelievable. Certain things become a memory. Certain things I fear will fall apart around me. I fled the only place I believed to be home but now see as hell, sadists. For all these years, that means I was a masochist. No…a masochist…No, Azer says I was a prisoner. He says there are certain things you can not control. A masochist is there by choice.

Azer tells me they love me. Azer always reminds me of my worth. He tells me their fear overwhelms their common sense. I love him even more for this reassurance; for the lies. I sometimes wonder if he realizes they are lies. I let him believe I trust those words. There are certain things I ignore and choose to forget.

Azer has genuinely shown the reasons he is my everything. In contrast, certain things could have ended as a catastrophe. Celasun almost killed me in the ways he dominated my world. The blame lies at my door; I debased myself. It took the death of his wife; my sister-cousin, to remove him from life. I know for sure whatever our “relationship” was, there will never be a chance of something. I know we will never have a friendly relationship.

There are certain things you need to experience to understand your purpose. My uncle ensured it’s very destruction. It is when I get to this part in my head; to this dark place, I wish Azer was here. This place is so cold.

I am in this small room in the Kocovali house with the ghost of Aksin haunting me. She mocks me, sneers, whispers, cries, screams because “I” now have Celasun. I don’t have him; I wish I could tell her. I don’t want him; I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…I don’t… This is the prison I can not escape sometimes. Azer…Why?

The cold is so devastating; I want it to end. Hell is cold, not hot. I wish he were here; he melts the ice. I escaped one level of hell, but I still couldn’t escape hell.

“Karaca,” a soft apprehensive voice says from the doorway of the dark bedroom. I know I must have a blank look on my face. It takes a while to get time to get out of my head.

“Azer…It’s cold,” I whisper. “Ah, hayatim,” he says weakly. I see when he closes the door, and his shadow makes his way to the bed. I can feel when his body sits on our shared bed. Ahhhhh….the ice. Already, I can feel the ice in my soul melting.

“Azer…canim,” I whispered in desperation, as I move onto his lap, clutching onto him as he wraps his arms around me. As is our habit, he then lays down, patting my back softly as though I was a baby.

I find it comforting. He is someone I can lean on. It is at these moments we need each other the most. He to feel needed and I to be wanted. It is a mutual exchange.

“You are no longer there,” he knows where my anxiety is coming from. He runs his hands through my hair as I caress his face. “I told you when you made a decision. I would take you away. You are in Adana. You are with me. You are a Kurtulus. You are safe now.”

There are certain things that I don’t know. However, one thing I am certain of is that I will hold on to him for dear life.

**Author's Note:**

> Mini-Writing Bio: It’s been a long time since I’ve written fanfic. Maybe about 14 years since my last one for John/Teyla (Stargate Atlantis). My first fanfic was written almost 24 years ago, at about 16 (totally dated myself) for Sailor Moon. So, if it’s not that great, I’m just getting back into this. I plan on writing more. Hopefully, producing more work will lead to a progressive change in my writing style.


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